Recovery

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Narcissists Control you in Life and even after they are Dead, if you let them…

/ racheljaners / Leave a comment

When we were together for seven years, my narcissist controlled every aspect of my life. He isolated me from my family and friends. He told me what I should be wearing, how I should be parenting the kids, etc.. He even told me how I should be thinking and feeling, and that I should be happy all the time. I had no control over my own mind or emotions because of him and his constant gas lighting. The amount of abuse is all consuming and if you don’t go through it, it is almost impossible to understand it.

My narcissist also abused me financially. He controlled the credit cards, he never put my name on the checking account, I could never get cash back if I was fortunate enough to go to the grocery store without him. He was the one who went to the store, I believe it was because he was so afraid I would meet someone and cheat, as if. He was a medical professional making more money than I could ever dream of making myself.
He frequently made statements to me, that “I am worth more alive than dead, so you better hope I live a long life.” He did not want to structure his financial plan after death that would in any way allow me to have any say in how to use the funds. We had two children together, and you would think that he would want to make sure we were taken care of if he were to die.

Instead, he made a trust, appointing his brother as trustee, who happens to ALSO be a narcissist.  So, after his death, he would be effectively still be controlling me though a legal document and his own narcissist brother that I could not stand.  My narcissist had numerous rental properties and made it so that I would have no ability to sell them, even if there was a natural disaster. He was so afraid that I would somehow benefit from his success and he was determined not to leave me and the children in a better off place in case of his death. Instead, he had us merely getting enough money each month off of his investments that we would be barely getting by. And that was only if all was going well in the real estate market, leaving no room for any property to be vacant, or allowing money for repairs. I had no say in any of it.

He viewed himself as an omnipotent hero, a viking warrior of some sort.  And he gave me specific instructions that when he died, he would want a huge monument for his grave, which would cost at least $50,000-100,000 to complete.  He instructed me that he wanted a large viking sitting on a throne for a tomb stone. He wanted it to have big horns on its head and even be phallic in nature. I thought he was joking, but in fact, he was dead serious.  I once told him that I would not be able to make that happen since he was not planning on leaving me money that I had any say on how to spend.

He refused to acknowledge my concerns about the children’s and my future regarding financial security.  Instead, he just focused on thinking about what HE wanted.  I just kept thinking, well at this rate, he will be burying me first anyways, despite him being nine years older than me.  He was depleting all of my energy, joy and health in the time I spent with him.  Now looking back, I am so grateful that I don’t have to wake up to that controlling, micromanaging monster anymore.  I believe that I received more money in my divorce settlement combined with child support than he ever would have left to me in case of his passing.  Ironically, I got back what he was stealing from me.  I reclaimed my freedom and now he has no choice but to give up some of his financial control over to me and his children.  Not a bad outcome.

In looking back, this is exactly what my narcissist would be deserving of for a tombstone, a monster on his toilet throne!  It even resembles him, true story!

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How to get Revenge on a Narcissist.

/ racheljaners / 1 Comment

The best revenge you could possibly get on a narcissist is by living well and loving yourself. If you focus inward on what makes you happy, you set the groundwork to find happiness everyday. There is nothing that irritates the narcissist more than to see you content because that is something the narcissist will never be… content. It is impossible to control the actions and thoughts of the narcissist, or anybody else for that matter. However, if you make yourself the center and try not to let them seep into your mind, you will be happier for it.

Narcissists have a massive fear of abandonment, and the fact that you get away from their clutches and control is the worst possible thing you could ever do to them! You have effectively stripped away their narcissistic supply which they require in order to sustain their feelings of superiority. You must realize that the goal of the narcissist is to tear you down so that you become totally dependent on them and less likely to leave them. They accomplish this by implementing multiple methods of abuse, including put-downs, threats, temper tantrums, paranoia, gas-lighting, etc.  You find yourself allowing the abuse because you become an expert at making excuses for their intolerable behavior. In the beginning, they had shown you a glimmer of greatness and you desperately want to believe that goodness will pour out of them again. But in all seriousness, the goodness you saw was the mask, it is not who the narcissist is.

You must take a step back and try to look at your situation as if it was a friend going through it. What would you tell a friend if you saw them suffering like you are in your toxic relationship? Would you tell your best friend to “just live with it?” Of course not, so then why would you ever choose to bear every day being treated so brutally? You are worth it, you are a good person. No one on earth deserves to be demeaned, demoralized and dehumanized on a daily basis. You will never know how wonderful life and love can be if you do not get away.

That said, I do realize it is impossible to physically separate from your narcissist right now because of the circumstances surrounding the world as I write this. Many of us are trapped in a prison under quarantine with our abuser. But, all is not lost, as this too shall pass.  Now is a time where one can begin to plan and prepare for our next step when free. Use this time wisely.  I have a blog on how to survive living with a narcissist while planning your escape.

To those who are separated from the narcissist in your life, but he or she is still around due to shared children, etc. Don’t give them the satisfaction when they make snarky comments to you about this or that. Just say “I am sorry you feel that way” and walk away.  Or if it is a text, just don’t respond. It is that simple. The whole reason narcissists try to upset you with actions or words, is to get a reaction from you because they feed on both positive and negative responses. However, if you do not give them any reaction at all, (called going no contact) you have robbed them of their necessary narcissistic supply and that bothers them more than any comeback you could ever muster!

I bet a lot of you are thinking that my advice may be passive and you were looking for a more hands on approach to getting revenge, like turning the tables on them by giving them a dose of their own medicine. But trust me, I tried to do just that a few times on my narcissist by using some of his routines on him and it backfired.  Sure, for a moment it caught him off guard, but then he just ramped upped his abusive tactics and I realized it was futile, because it fed into his narcissistic supply regardless. Believe me when I urge you to cut ties and drain his supply, for a narcissist it is the biggest way to injure their ego.  I have thought long and hard about this for the past four years.  It is punishment in and of itself that a narcissist has to wake up being a miserable human being every day, incapable of love, joy and simple contentment. And the fact that you are finally seeking happiness without the narcissist stealing it, truly is revenge.

So in conclusion, the ways to achieve revenge upon the narcissist is first, by leaving them and taking away their narcissistic supply. Next, by believing in yourself and loving yourself and lastly, by living your best life by being free and unfettered by the narcissist’s control.

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How to let yourself love again after surviving a toxic relationship with a Narcissist.

/ racheljaners / 2 Comments

Once I finally figured out that the man I was married to was in fact a full fledged narcissist, it made it easier to comprehend his mistreatment of me. However, it was still very difficult to endure. For years I thought that I was the problem, because narcissists shirk responsibility by placing all blame on the other partner. However, his emotional disorder was the thorn in our marriage. No amount of love will flip a narcissist. And a narcissist cannot love anyone because they are incapable and lack the emotional key.

So after you emerge from a toxic relationship with a narcissist and are starting over, the dilemma becomes one of trust. First, how can you ever learn to trust another human being with your heart again after what happened to you? Second, how can you even begin to trust yourself and your own judgement after making such a blunder? The key to figuring this out is to understand what the signs of NPD are, what attracts the narcissists to you and how you feel about your own self worth.

I was terrified to attempt dating after my marriage ended. I waited nine months before I went out with someone, who happened to be another narcissist! Only this time, I saw the red flags on the first date and listened to my gut. I am glad I got away from that impending disaster well before I could suffer any damage. After that, I decided I was done because I was apparently attracting narcissists like flies.  I became forced to take an honest look at myself to try to pinpoint what it was about me that was reeling them in. 

I am very open, always have been, evidenced by my blog and you will see pretty much everything is on the table.  Also, I am too nice and I have strong sense of empathy.  All these are good, when offered to the right people but severely damaging when offered to potential predators. Once I realized that my traits were working against me when dealing with people I just met, I exercised more caution and I decided that I was better off on my own and I just focused on what would fulfill me. 

That decision turned out to be the best decision I could have made, besides the decision to leave my narcissist. By being honest with myself and asking what would make me happy, I set into motion the wheels that would take me to where I am today. I am in such a better and contented place. I always focused on my children, but then I began to put focus on myself. I started to build confidence, character and determination to make my own happiness. Beautiful experiences happened to me after I broke away from my narcissist. I realized that I became stronger because of the struggle I suffered through.

I am now grateful each and every day when I wake up free from that monster. I learned that I did not need anyone to be happy, to feel fulfilled. I figured out who I was again, I found me, and I loved being me! I thrived with my time alone. However, it wasn’t until after I began to love who I was again and I quit looking, that real, mutual love rolled me over like a freight train!

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What is “Narcissistic Supply” anyway?

/ racheljaners / 1 Comment

After taking a lengthy respite from writing about my experiences with my narcissist, I am now diving headfirst back into the murky waters. Looking through my old posts, I just realized I never wrote an article solely about narcissistic supply. I am glad you are wondering what this common phrase encompasses, because it is essential to understand what it means and what role it plays to the narcissist. It is quite simple but complex at the same time.

As I described in a previous blog post, due to the very nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the narcissist must at all times be in a state of idolization. They achieve this delicate state by absorbing other people’s emotional reactions to what the narcissist either says or does. Narcissistic supply is fundamentally these very emotional responses and feedback the victim gives the narcissist during and oftentimes after their toxic relationship ends.

Supply can be either positive or negative, it does not matter in what form it takes, as long as it is provided. The “supply” is the narcissist’s drug and if they miss a dose, they will go to great lengths to unearth some. Narcissists need a constant stream of narcissistic supply in order to function and boost their insecurity and feelings of ultimate control over other people. Without their supply, the narcissist goes into crisis mode and their whole world shuts down. They are incomplete.

The reason the narcissist needs this form of supply is because narcissists are missing the empathy component. They do not have the ability to really care about another human being’s wants and needs, therefore they are incapable of truly loving anyone other than themselves. The narcissist only cares about what he or she wants and needs. Because they have no ability to have authentic emotional responses, they feed on the emotional responses of others. This strangely resembles the Death Eaters in Harry Potter that sucks the life out of their victims.

If the response is positive, the narcissist soaks it up and revels in the praise and adoration from others. However, if the response is negative, the narcissist still rolls around in it deriving sick pleasure because they see that their actions or words are negatively affecting others. As a result of inflicting torment, the narcissist witnesses his control of those around him. This power goes straight to their ego and they thrive on it, as sick as it sounds. So when you retaliate against a narcissist, you may feel good that you got a jab in at them.  However, to the narcissist, you are feeding them the supply that they crave.  They are not hurt, to the contrary, they love seeing you so upset that you say or do something that they can take and twist and use against you. “See, look at yourself!  You are acting crazy!” In turn, it validates them.

There you have it, narcissist supply is a hell of a drug. Deprive them of it at all costs and they will be quicker to slink away and leave you alone.

 

How to help a friend who is involved with a Narcissist…

/ racheljaners / 4 Comments

I was recently asked by a concerned reader how to help a friend that she was sure was married to a narcissist. Unfortunately, she probably will not like my answer because it is not a quick fix. It is a slow progression of help which I will get into further on, but first a little background into a typical victim’s mindset. These matters are extremely delicate, as the victim in a narcissistic relationship has been brainwashed into believing that they somehow deserve the bad treatment. They believe that everything the narcissist does or says is actually their fault.  As a result, the victim’s sense of self is obliterated, their strength has been sapped to the point that they willingly take the abuse and have normalized it.  They believe it is the best they can expect. Victims are actually fooled into believing that they are lucky to have the abuser! (Like Stockholm Syndrome)

Usually, the relationship between a narcissist and a victim is that of the “pedestal and the pit.” I discussed this tactic in another blog. This is the situation in a relationship where the narc will place his victim on a pedestal and treat her like gold, then the next moment, knock her down into the pit of mistreatment. It disorientates the victim to the point of confusion. This is a vicious cycle that never stops during a narcissist relationship.  After undergoing this dizzying cycle of ups and downs, the feeling of being in the narc’s good graces again and sitting on top of that pedestal feels so relieving to the victim after being in the “pit,” it is addicting.  As a result of this torment, the victim will do anything to please the narcissist.  She will find herself ignoring the bad in the relationship and only focusing on the good in order to pull through day by day.  So, she makes excuses for him, hoping and praying that things are going to be different. But things NEVER change. It is a sad truth. You cannot FIX a Narcissist!

So, back to the question of “How to help a friend who is involved with a narcissist?”

First, you can help your friend the most by sitting down with her and explaining your concerns and why you are worried about her.

However, after being married to a Narcissist for 7 years myself, I am aware of how proficient your friend will be at making excuses for her husband’s bad behavior.  I was, I go into that topic more in this blog post.  I covered for his bad behavior for numerous reasons. One of those was because I began to believe I didn’t deserve better (as I mentioned above). Also, I wanted to live in the fantasy that our marriage was grand, I didn’t want others to know what he was really like.  I was afraid of casting a light on his horrible behavior and that would mean that I needed to finally do something about it. (Which I knew would be the most challenging task of my life.)  Additionally, I made excuses because I shared children with him, and in my mind, I used to believe that divorce was the worst thing you could do to a child.  However, now I realize that staying in a terrible, abusive marriage only teaches your children to become apathetic and perfect victims, or it teaches them to become narcissistic abusers themselves.

Second, after showing your friend some material on narcissist behavior, you must tell your friend that because you care about her, no matter what, you will be there to support and encourage her whenever she is ready to seek help.
What helped me was when my narc had a earth shattering tantrum in front of my parents that I couldn’t cover up, and I had no possible excuses for.  That moment, my concerned parents offered to take me and my children 3 hours home with them that day. I declined out of fear.  But it got the wheels turning in my mind, and when my mother told me that she thought my husband was a Narcissist.  I began to google everything I could on the disorder because I had no idea what that really was.  In my research, I discovered that my husband had all the markers of it and it changed my mindset.  Learning about narcissism opened my eyes to seeing how I was living day to day and forced me to take a good look at how I permitted him to control my life.  In another blog, I discuss these 13 big signs that proved I was in a relationship with a narcissist.  It was like a blanket of darkness finally lifted and I began to see him for what he really was. I had started figuring out what had been nagging me our whole marriage.  But, the point is, I had to figure it out myself.  My Mother planted the seed, she tried to pull me out of this relationship, but I was not ready to go. I needed it to be MY choice, on MY time. Then one day after endless research online and in books, I finally hit a point, where my fear of staying outweighed my fear of leaving.

Third, you must be patient with your friend.

It will take time, but you cannot just rip her away from a bad relationship. It will backfire and she will end up going back to him and cutting all ties with you.  If you plant the seed, it will begin to grow in her mind and she needs to learn the truth herself.  Looking back, what mattered the most to me during my revelation was knowing that my Mom and Dad were there to support me and to help when I was ready to leave.  I am very thankful for that.

In summary, there is no magic bullet to getting a friend away from a narcissistic relationship.  It is a process that they alone have to be ready to undergo.  The victim must be armored with knowledge about the narcissist’s tactics before they begin to walk through that door.  That is where you come in, be there for them, and they will never forget it, even if they seem to ignore your concerns at this point.  I discuss how I made my escape in this blog post.  To an outsider, it can be hard to understand why someone would stay in a toxic relationship, but unless you go through it, it is impossible to understand it.    Just try to be sympathetic with your friend because it is such a drastic undertaking to break away from an abusive relationship that the victim must be in a fully committed state of mind to make it happen.  If they are only “sort of” ready to leave, that wont be enough to succeed in escaping.

If they understand that they have people in their life who love them and will be there to support them, that can make all the difference.

The Show Must Go On…

/ racheljaners / 2 Comments

We have all heard the phrase, “the show must go on.” But the ones who really understand it are those people who lived it by being stuck in a toxic relationship with a Narcissist. When you find that you need to put on a show whenever your partner is around, that is big sign that you are being controlled by a narcissist.

I am now three years removed from being submerged in a suffocating marriage with a narcissist, however, when I think back to what I went through and how I felt, I had an epiphany. I distinctly remember whenever my ex walked through the door, I had to prepare my 3 year old and 6 year old to treat their father a certain way in order to stall their father’s bad moods, suspicious antics or lecturing behavior.

I found myself telling my children that “Daddy’s going to be coming home soon and they better smile, and give him a big hug” and I would plead with them to be on their best behavior. I quickly learned that we had to go through this role playing because in the past, if my narcissist were to come home and we were all doing something other than waiting there to greet him with smiles on our faces and our full attention, he would be offended and feel that we “did not appreciate him.” He would then go on a pity trip and lecture us, scold us and say that we did not love him, etc. It was ridiculous, but true. It would put a dampener on the rest of the evening and we all walked on eggshells.

So, I would find myself trying to prepare my little actors to put on a show for Daddy. A show that would hopefully, delay the narcissist’s antics for a later time. But it was never for long. The children and I were always in survival mode, just waiting for the next little thing to set him off.

During the marriage, I didn’t actually see what I was doing, or how his behavior truly affected us because when you are living it, it can be difficult to see through it. However, now that I am safely away from my narcissist and in a healthy relationship full of mutual respect and adoration, I can easily see what lengths I went to in order to try to protect my children from their narcissistic father.

If you find that you need to be anyone other than your true self when your partner is around, that is not a good sign. Be aware that all of life is not a stage, or at least it shouldn’t have to be. My advice as someone who has lived through it, lower the curtain and walk away and it is best to ignore the curtain call, let the narcissist get the bows he craves from someone other than you or your children.

Rollercoaster Relationship with a Narcissist.

/ racheljaners / 1 Comment

A few months ago, I woke up from a dream that seemed so real it made me dizzy.  I always have taken my dreams with a grain of salt.  In the past, I have met people with skepticism when they discussed their dreams somehow giving insight to what was going on in their lives.  Well, I have learned many lessons these past two years and feel that a deeper understanding of what is going on in your life can absolutely manifest in your dreams from time to time.

In my dream, I was stuck in the back car of a roller coaster and my Narcissist ex husband was in the front car with the kids and no matter what I did, I could not get to them.  That dream so completely summed up my relationship over the past 7 years with him.

In a relationship with a narcissist, there are extreme highs and extreme lows. They put you on the pedistal and toss you down into the pit, as I have described in a previous blog. When things were good, they were great, and when he was displeased over one thing or another, (no matter how trivial) things were horrible.

Now that I have broken away from my narcissist, life is inconcieveably better. The best thing I have ever done was to leave him.  I have a job I love, my kids enjoy their school and I finally finished building my dream house!  And just then, wouldn’t you know it…when I was happy to be on my way, on my own… I stumbled upon meeting a good, honest, and intelligent man who loves and respects me and my family.  And I met him only 2.3 miles from my new home as matter of fact!  It is funny because I swore off internet dating, as that was how I met my ex narcissist 8 years ago.  Since I entered the dating scene, I vowed that if I was ever to date anyone in the future, I would have to meet him face to face purely by introduction or by accident.

Eventhough I have been guarded since leaving my rollercoaster of a relationship, I have had two years to reflect on who I am and what it is that I want.  I now have the confidence in myself to trust my gut again. I am determined not to make the same mistakes in future relationships.

That is something that toxic relationships with narcissists do, they rob you of your joy, your confidence and your ability to trust and love others by shattering who you are. Whereas, a healthy relationship is meant to build you up, not break you down.

I am enjoying where this relationship is taking us.  It feels incredibally rewarding to trust and love again. He gives me space, but makes room in his life for me and treats me like I had always hoped for.  It is funny how something as simple as being listened to when you talk can make you feel so loved. He always makes time to talk to me about my day, and he actually seems genuinely interested in what I have to say. I no longer feel like my thoughts and opinions don’t matter.  I am loving every day of our journey together and haven’t seen one red flag yet and it has been 6 months.

I see what my narcissist is doing in his relationship since I left him. He is up to the same old tricks.  My ex narc had only been alone one month before he snagged his next victim. Irena is a 26 year old Ukrainian”au pair.” He got her pregnant after three months and they are aleady pregnant with baby #2, and it has not even been a full two years since she landed on US soil. I see how he drives at least 300 miles every other weekend and has moved another 3 times since I left and plans road trips and plane flights on a whim, dragging her and the baby along. I vividly remember how exhausting it was trying to keep up with him when he was on one of his roaming tangents.

I am so greatful that I jumped off of that rollercoaster, that is one ride that I will never board again.

 

Top 15 things that can occur after leaving your Narcissist.

/ racheljaners / 1 Comment
  1. You will have the gift of time to focus on yourself and what it is that you want for once.
  2. Space from your Narcissist will allow for the real healing to begin.
  3. You will become more calm, finding it easier to breathe.
  4. Confidence begins to come back.
  5. Independance will take root, making the way for personal growth.
  6. You can make up for lost time with family and friends, for the most part.
  7. Your fears will begin to dissipate.
  8. Your gratitude will soar when you get enough distance from your Narcissist, because it is easier to see how badly you had been treated.
  9. You become proud of yourself and what you can achieve.
  10. You figure out who you are again.
  11. You become emboldened to never settle for anybody who mistreats you.
  12. You become secure enough to allow yourself to love another again.
  13. You feel worthy to receive another’s love wholeheartedly.
  14. You notice all the little joys that seemed to elude you when you were with your Narcissist.
  15. Life becomes so much more fulfilling and beautiful!OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

Winding up the Year…Merry Christmas!

/ racheljaners / 1 Comment

 

Well, one year has passed since my divorce decree was signed by the judge. What an amazing anniversary! I cannot believe how far I have come in that small amount of time. Last year, I was raw and unsteady, worried about the future. Now, I am strong, safe and excited about what adventures await me. My perspective has made a dramatic shift during these past twelve months. Since I have two children with my Narcissist, I cannot escape him totally. However, I have room to breathe and a say in my life. He still makes visitation difficult because that is one of the last ways he can exert any amount of control over us, however, I pick my battles. This is the first Christmas without my children, as they are with him this year. It feels odd for them to not be with me tonight, but I focus on the following weekend when we will be together celebrating our Christmas.

I have been so busy with work and being a single parent that it can be hard to find time to write down my thoughts. I really need to make time because it heals my soul, as corny as that sounds. This year, I have been enjoying my new career, I feel that I make a difference in my community. I am so thankful too that my children love their school and even got to participate in their first school play, something they never got to do when I was home schooling them.

It is strange how looking back, I was so terrified of the future. The thought of leaving my narcissist was so scary. I remember feeling depleted. He beat my confidence down so severely that I felt that I would have nothing to offer the world once I left him. He made me feel weak, inept, and dependant. That was all due to the emotional, psychological, sexual and financial abuse that he put me through all those 7 years. I felt like a child in his presence due to his continuous lectures and mistrust. I even had to ask his permission if I wanted to go visit my parents, which I hardly got that opportunity to do without him. I could do nothing right in his eyes. Which made me try even harder to please, as strange as that sounds. His paranoia and temper tantrums made me walk on eggshells trying to hold the family together and I would lie to myself daily thinking that it was either my fault somehow or that maybe he would miraculously stop the abuse. But the day I learned about narcissist abuse, it all changed, and I took that brave step forward to stand up for myself and for my children and to boldly step into the unknown. I realized that I would rather jump off the bridge that was crumbling down around me and take a chance at swimming to safety, no matter how far away the shore may be. I once said in a previous blog that “when the fear of staying outweighed my fear of leaving” I had no choice.

My coworkers have made comments to me that I apologize too much. It is true, it is habit. Narcissists do that to you, make you sorry for even breathing. But I am a work in progress. Instead of saying phrases like, “Sorry I am late,” I rephrase it and say “Thank you for your patience.” This is a subtle change that makes a big impact on your confidence. I find that my happiness is at an all time high. I wake up every day with gratefulness and purpose now.

I am looking forward to this New Year for many reasons. I am excited that my house will be completed soon. I am looking forward to making more happy memories with my extended family. I have even met someone special who treats me so well. It’s good that I have been alone for almost two years now because I had lots of time to reflect on what kind of person I would want in my life and so far, he ticks every box. He is calm, kind and thoughtful. He makes me feel so special! When I think of him, it brings tears to my eyes because I now see what I have been missing out on those seven years I spent with my narcissist. I see what a healthy relationship should be. Full of trust and mutual respect, thoughtfulness and feeling safe to be who I am.

I have high hopes for the future now and I wish that for all of you! You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be respected and appreciated for the amazing person you are. Don’t let anyone mistreat you, even for a moment. Life is way too short for that.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

A Single Woman…

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I am a single woman. That’s what the mortgage on my construction loan says. I couldn’t help but laugh seeing that description behind my name when I signed those papers. But it was a sweet feeling to see it all spelled out.  I am unattached, unmarried, a loner, free. I do not have to answer to anyone anymore, other than to my children.  So now what?

What have I been doing since I entered the single scene? Well…I have been busy working at my new job, after seven months in, it feels more natural to me now.  It has been an adjustment being a single mother of two children, balancing their needs, their school, my job and everything in between.  As difficult as it is sometimes, I would gladly chose this life again instead of living with the nasty narcissist husband that ruled every aspect of my life.

As much as possible, I have been spending time with family, hanging out with dear friends, and trying to make new ones too. I have been busy writing my blog, running, and planning for my house. I have been pretty occupied when I think about it. I do not get much free time, but when I do, I still seem to find a way to fill it.  I feel like I need to make the most of each second I get now.  After wasting seven years of my life waiting to live on my terms, I don’t want to regret losing any time. But I need to remember that it is important to cherish my downtime too. I love that moment in the morning when the house is all quiet and I can just sit in silence and stare into my hot mug and smell the delicious aroma of my coffee steaming my face as I take each sip. These are the moments when my mind is completely still and the gears haven’t begun to spin. My favorite time of day.

I have always been in a hurry, I am type A as they say. But what this past year has taught me is that things don’t always go according to plan. My motto is “be prepared, be prepared.” But sometimes you cannot be prepared for what life throws at you. Learning how to roll with it is a vital skill to hone. Thus, I am practicing patience and trying my best to take life one day at a time. I look at all I have accomplished these past six months since my divorce was granted, and I am so proud of how I am handling my new life.

I have rekindled my love of music, which I withdrew from when I was married. I hardly ever turn on the TV anymore. I find that I much rather have a quiet house so I can read in the evenings or just be alone with my thoughts. I don’t need distractions anymore because I am comfortable in my own skin and with my decisions now. I finally feel content and happy. I have so much to be thankful for. So far, being a single woman has been a gratifying experience and I am enjoying figuring out who I am again.