Month: August 2016

During the Relationship With a Narcissist, You Become an Expert at Lying…Mostly to Yourself

/ racheljaners / 3 Comments

How have you allowed yourself to stay in this abusive relationship so long? The answer is really quite simple, you lie to yourself. You fool yourself into desperately believing that things will get better, that he or she will change. How could those glimmers of greatness that your partner exhibited in the early stages of your relationship have faded away forever? It is because he or she was never that person to begin with. It was all a façade to snag you in the first place.

Also, it is due to the cycle of the “pedestal and the pit” that I discussed in my post, The Ways That Narcissists Abuse. For example, he isn’t terrible all of the time right? If he was, it would surely be easier to leave him wouldn’t it? He is smart enough to realize that if he is bad for too long, you will get fed up and go. So he will throw a bit of sweetness your way, just to wet your appetite to keep you hoping that he may return to the wonderful person that you thought he was in the beginning. You lie to yourself every day. You do not trust your gut feeling that he may just be a terrible person, a narcissist with no soul.

But then that has other consequences, you start to question your own judgment. How could I have made such a bad decision in choosing this person to share my life with? I know that I sure did. I couldn’t come to grips with my awful luck with men until I faced the cold truth and realized that I had been lying to myself all along. I chose to ignore the red flags waving in the breeze when I first began to date him. The fairytale blinded me! I do not blame myself nor do I blame you for falling prey to the unobtrusive spider. However, I want to open your eyes to what I recently discovered, you need to ask yourself the hard questions. You need to figure out what your weak spots are and wipe them clean so you never get stuck in this situation again.

As if lying to yourself was not bad enough, you begin lying to all those people you hold so dear. You don’t lie to be malicious, you lie to keep them from worrying about you. Or you lie to make them see your partner as a good person. You would hate for your friends and family to see him as he really is, so you make excuses for him, you cover-up for him. That is what I did. I felt ashamed that I was trapped with this manipulative and uncaring human being, so I overcompensated with tales of his good deeds or nice words, and conveniently left out the bad parts, and the hurtful comments that he dished out.

This kind of editing is not all that different from what people do on social media sites, I guess. But, I could not live a false life like that anymore. I needed an escape, I needed to live an authentic life where I was comfortable living the way I wanted. The truth, no matter how much it hurts, will come out. Nothing will scare off a narcissist like the truth. So I say, let the truth rain down and clear those muddy waters!

You are replaceable to a Narcissist

/ racheljaners / 2 Comments

First of all, if you have left your narcissist, congratulations! Your life has just begun! It is an incredible journey, that I am only just embarking on, but it is worth it. On the other hand, if you have found that a narcissist has abandoned you, congratulations! Your life has been spared! I will go on more about this later. What I want to discuss in this post is how replaceable we all are to a narcissist. So, no matter what, don’t feel bad that the narcissist is now on his or her own. Because they have no empathy, or real emotional attachments, or even appreciation for us as individuals and what makes us unique and amazing, the narcissist can just move on when it is convenient for them. They will do it quickly, make no mistake about that.

Due to the very nature of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the narcissist must at all times be in a state of idolization. They need a continuous dose of Narcissistic Supply. They depend on it to boost their insecurity and it allows them to function. Without their supply, the narcissist goes into crisis mode and their whole world shuts down. They are incomplete. The victim is used by the narcissist like a mirror, he projects what he feels onto that person and expects the person to reflect a perfect image back at the narcissist. However, what happens when that mirror does not cast a reflection any longer? Without that false vision and constant reassurance, the narcissist will go to any lengths to replenish his supply. He will look in odd places to scramble and fill the void.

In most cases, the narcissist will look in places closest to him, for example his workplace, at a bar, a commuter train, or online for his quick fix of narcissistic supply. They become hell bent on showing the ex-victim how easily he or she can be replaced. In my case, I spent the past seven years being a superb supportive wife, mother, housekeeper, homeschool teacher, cook and maid. I devoted every waking minute to taking care of our believed children all the while walking on eggshells to make my husband happy to keep the peace and to try to make the house a happy home for my babies.

I was sacrificing my happiness for everyone else’s and I never complained. I packed and unpacked boxes for six moves in six years and decorated each house and made it a home. I was forever putting out fires when my husband got home and he felt he was not getting enough attention. Now, as I have left him and moved myself and my children into my parents house because I have primary physical custody, my ex has decided to cut to my core by showing me just how easy it is to replace me. One month after I left him, he hired a live-in 25 year old au pair that he flew into the country from the Ukraine. Despite the fact that he only has two weekends of visitation a month, he felt the need to hire a woman to help take care of the kids for those select few dates. Unbelievable.

When I have told my friends about this awkward situation, they all say the same thing. He is living all alone with this woman 95% of the time, they must be having a relationship. I hoped that would not be the case and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, however, I must look at the surrounding facts.

1st – He refused to give me her cell phone number because he said that “he did not want me to mess this up for him.” There is no landline either, so I only wanted to have the ability to contact my children when they are in her care in case of emergency. However, he refused twice. Strike 1.

2nd- Then when I finally got to meet her, I noticed a bouquet of flowers sitting beside her in the car. Both of my children said that “Daddy got the flowers for Irena.” Strike 2.

3rd- Then I was looking at my Kohls membership rewards account online (which he uses) and I accidentally discovered that he had made a purchase for her, including a bra, yoga pants and a camisole top. Strike 3.

To be honest, I have always tried to play fair. I don’t like to jump to conclusions. However, looking at the facts makes it hard for me to see it any other way. He is obviously in stage one of wooing his next victim. Now, I honestly ask myself…Self, does this make you jealous? Me… Not one bit. Then I ask…are you surprised? Me… Not really but the reason I am perturbed is because of the children. They are young and will be confused and don’t deserve to be caught in the tangled web of deceit that their father continuously weaves.

So there you have it, another example of how far a narcissist will go to secure his next vile of narcissistic supply and when that vile is all dried up, you better believe he will look for it elsewhere.

Narcissists are hypersensitive, easily offended and have no sense of humor about themselves

/ racheljaners / 18 Comments

The narcissist is not able to handle any kind of criticism, whether constructive or not. They are hypersensitive. They can dish it out but cannot take it. They make jabs at you or your loved ones and then pretend that they did not. For example, he may say that you look fat in that outfit, then when you react to the hurtful comment he says “I am just kidding, you are so sensitive!” Narcissists quickly turn it around and make you the one with the problem. Or they flat out deny that their statement was meant to be offensive and say that you are reading into their comment negatively.

Narcissists do not “fit in” when around a group of people, no matter how hard they appear to try.  The narcissist is like a stoic rock post standing amongst the trees.  It may try to mimic the height of the trees, but it cannot ever become a tree. It is simply not made of the same stuff.  Because narcissists are not able to feel emotion, they cannot identify with people’s feelings and needs.  When you think back to his sense of humor, you may remember him being fun and silly and able to laugh at jokes, trying to blend in.  However, he reacts differently if the jokes are made at his expense. He may lash out at the joker, or act wounded and as a victim.

The narcissist views himself as perfect and does not want to be seen by anybody as less than so. Therefore, any joke that is aimed at him will make him react in a oversensitive manner. The narcissist is easily offended because jokes at their expense puts them in a less than perfect light. My narcissist could never even be called a pet name that he viewed as undignified. Once I sweetly teased him that he could get lost coming home from the grocery store. Then he overreacted by saying “That is not nice! Why are you being so mean to me? I cannot believe you would talk to me like that!” Even though, he routinely missed his turns so often that it became comical. However, it was ok for him to make jokes at my expense, and when I spoke up, he would accuse me of “being no fun, or too sensitive.”

My narcissist was almost a prude about certain things, he would never pee when I was in the bathroom, he was terrified that I might see him in an vulnerable position. I wouldn’t have looked, but I thought that after seven years of marriage we could let the boundaries down a little bit. Who cares? But he always made a big deal out of it and kicked me out of the bathroom, even if I was busy brushing my teeth, so that he could use the toilet.

God forbid if I had stressful day and would be a little bit testy. He felt that I should have a smile on my face at all times. If I didn’t, he would make comments like “Why don’t you just be happy?” Well, nothing irks me like someone telling me how to feel. I felt that he was trying to strip away my rights to my own feelings. He never let me just be cranky without serious consequences. He would call me out and start a fight with me, instead of just giving me some much needed space, which would have made me in a much better state of mind. Then after the brawl, I would have no choice but to “put on my happy face” or else face another dispute. So in the end, he always won.

Heightened sensitivity to people’s remarks is a trait of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is a type of paranoia that is difficult to live with. My narcissist always took offense to even innocent comments by coworkers, my family, and me. It always made me unsteady when he would ask me what I thought other people meant when they talked to him about something that day. I would have to constantly bring him back down to earth by saying that people are not out to get him, or to take jabs at him, but that he reads into their ordinary conversations. He still did not believe me. He would accuse me of being too trusting and naive. I touch upon this kind of paranoia in my other article, What are the signs of NPD?

This oversensitivity does not get better, the narcissist never “loosens up.” They are always getting their “feelings hurt,” even though they don’t have feelings like you and me, they are empty inside.

 

The Narcissist has no empathy, however, you seem to have an endless supply, even for him…

/ racheljaners / 1 Comment

It is a big sign that your partner is a narcissist when they appear to have no real empathy for you, or others. They appear indifferent and cold as ice. If the situation or topic is about something that they do not value, they shrug it off as inconsequential. Of course, narcissists sometimes simulate empathy, by using stale words with no real emotion behind them because they have learned the socially acceptable vocabulary for particular situations, however the real substance of emotion is missing. Actions speak louder than words here.

In my case, I told my narcissist husband about my dear friend’s mother dying when my friend was just a little girl. I told him that her mother had a long battle with a debilitating illness and a kidney transplant, but then passed away. I was overwhelmed with sadness for my friend and was telling my husband how I was in awe of her amazing life story and how she kept a positive outlook on life, despite her horrible loss at such a young age. His response was a bland “Oh that is too bad,” then he changed the subject. He had no expression on his face, in fact he started eating. I again asked him what he thought about my friend’s story and he had no other response or insight. I was appalled by his emptiness.

The real truth is that you and I are people with an overabundance of empathy. This type of person is called an “empath.” Narcissists choose highly compassionate, considerate and understanding individuals as their victims. They know that they have a much easier time manipulating a person who always looks for the good in others. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful soul, that is the upside. However, you have to look at the whole picture when looking at a person and not just the good pieces. All the pieces, good and bad, fit together to make up the puzzle of the person they are.

You know deep down that you overlooked the red flags that have been there since the beginning of your relationship. You either saw them and disregarded them because you felt that he had too many other good qualities to balance out the odd behaviors. Or you saw them and was afraid that acknowledging the problematic behavior meant that you had to confront him and you did not want to hurt his feelings, or risk losing him. As a result, you find yourself making excuses for his bad behavior by thinking that everybody handles emotions differently. You look for the good to balance out the bad, thus you are fooling yourself on a daily basis.

I will never forget the huge altercation my narcissist had with my parents Easter weekend, which happened to be my birthday this year. My parents were visiting for the weekend and after I spent all afternoon cooking a homemade dinner, my parents offered to get ice cream at the local store and my Dad wanted to take me along, for a one on one for a few minutes. However, my narcissist was offended that my dad wanted time with just me. So, he picked a huge fight with my wonderful, loving parents, he belittled them, and he put me down in front of them. He couldn’t be reasoned with and they had no choice but to leave early and drive three hours back to their house, and missing out on the holiday and my birthday, because he was so horrid to them and they did not want the children to witness anymore of their father’s antics. Basically, he cut my parents out of our lives that day, then he expected me to act like it did not matter to me.

Then the day after the confrontation, my narcissist expected me to act as if nothing happened. He wanted an automatic return of the status quo after the confrontation. I was not allowed to have lingering sorrow. He said that he thought we resolved the problem and he did not want to see me sulking. I responded that he could not expect a person, especially a woman, to go about her life as if nothing ever happened. I told him that I am entitled to my feelings of sadness, that I could not simply put a smile on my face and pretend that life was ok. This is an example of no empathy, and being out of touch with others feelings. My parents are the biggest parts of my life, they made me who I am. They supported every decision I ever made and had been nothing but supportive of us, then he treats them like garbage! Well, I made a choice that day, I was going to organize my plan to leave my narcissist husband.

If you have discovered that you are the victim of a narcissist, you must be a fabulous lady, because a narcissist only chooses the best for himself. You are probably asking yourself how you could have gotten into this situation with this hollow person? It is not your fault, so stop beating yourself up over it. You were deceived by a professional liar and manipulator. The valuable lesson is to learn the traits of a narcissist, so that you will never be fooled again.