Month: September 2016

Do I Stay or Do I Go?

/ racheljaners / 1 Comment

This was a difficult decision to be made. Not as easy as it may seem to most. After years of emotional cruelty, you may feel depleted of confidence in yourself, and you may be afraid of the unknown. I was.  At least there is some familiarity with this devil you know, verses the devil you do not. However, if you stay, you are doomed to more inevitable abuse. If you leave, you will have challenges to face, but you will be free to breathe again, to just be…again.

It all changed for me when I discovered what Narcissistic Personality Disorder was and learned that it was incurable.  I had no choice but to leave.  I knew that it wouldn’t be easy, but I had faith that it would be worth it. It has been four months since I left my narcissist, and I am so glad that I did. I still am waiting for my divorce to be final. In the meantime, I am living at my parents house with my two children trying to save up enough money to build a house of my own. I am struggling to both homeschool my little ones while making money to help sustain us.

When I was with him, I felt like I was drowning, I could never catch my breath when he was around. Thinking back to how I felt when we were together, it was as if he and I were stuck in a boat out in the ocean, all alone. Then he would push me off the boat into the shark infested water and I would struggle to keep afloat, and plead with him to throw me a life preserver. When he had enough listening to me beg for help, he would rescue me begrudgingly and then tell me how lucky I was that he was around to come to my aid. That is what narcissists do. They drive you to the point of desperation and then when you crack, they use it against you later. It is mind boggling really. If I had never gone through this daily misery myself, I could not really understand it if someone would have tried to explain it to me.

When you are in the thick of it, it is difficult to see through it. Looking back, it is crystal clear what he did to me. But at time, I was so immersed in the emotional torment that I began to think that everything must be my fault. That was before I knew about the narcissist’s weapon of projection. That is when the narcissist accuses you of doing what, in fact, THEY are doing.  The narcissist will control every decision and every action in the relationship. They may make you feel like you have a say, but in reality, you have been conditioned by them to know what to do or say as to not provoke a negative response.  So, really you have no actual say in anything.

He also enjoyed making me feel like I was ungrateful if I ever suggested doing anything by myself. I could not visit my family by myself, but then he did not want to go with me. So, he cut my family and old friends out of my life. Then he accused me of not being a good wife if I ever suggested getting together with a mommy friend without the children. He would say that we are married and why be married if we wanted to do things without each other? He would also famously claim that “he was not a babysitter” and that if I wanted to do things with my mommy friends, it can be when he is at work and I can take the kids too. Because when he was home, it was “family time” despite the fact that it meant we do whatever HE wanted to do. Or if he was around me and the children, he was tuned out sitting in the corner on his IPAD instead of doing one on one things with our children. Ugg!

I must say that I am doing better every day and I am so thankful for my parents and friends that have taken me back into their world with open arms. I feel so embarrassed that I let that monster take me away from them in the first place, but the sheer fact that they see past it and are glad to be here for me and my children makes my heart explode with gratitude. To think that if I would have stayed with my narcissist, my children would have grown up not ever experiencing the nourishing, loving grandparent relationship that they get every day now.  Also, my brother is an awesome influence on my children too.  They adore him because he actually takes time to do things with them.  Something that their own father rarely did.  My children are able to be themselves, to be silly without being micromanaged, to be able to pursue what they want without judgement.  They are free to be children now.

So, the moment that I voluntarily jumped off that boat, which held me and my narcissist, was a pivotal point that has moved my life in a positive direction. I had faith that I could swim to safety on my own, never again looking to my captor to appear the savior. Now, instead of fear of the future, I am excited to see what it feels like to find myself again.

Everything is your fault. Even if the Narcissist forgets something, it is your fault…

/ racheljaners / 1 Comment

Narcissists are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions, unless it is advantageous to them. They will ALWAYS take the credit when something good occurs, however, if it is something undesirable, they shirk their responsibility and shift the blame to everyone else. It is a mind numbing experience to witness. Every time this occurred during my marriage I felt like I wanted to bang my head against the wall, somehow I was always the one to blame.

Well, I am separated now and going through the divorce process and I still undergo the same treatment, however less frequent. The latest head banging occurrence has to do with my narcissist’s daily phone call to our two beautiful children. He has difficulty remembering to call our children on time, and when he is late, he always asks me why I did not call him to remind him to call. He blames me!

I have repeatedly explained to him that it was not my responsibility to make the call and remind him that is was his time to speak to our children. However, he sees it quite differently. He said that I am “mean” for not having the children call him if HE forgets. One night, he forget to make his call and the kids were already in bed. He actually wanted me to wake them up after I had tucked them into bed 30 minutes before his text. After I refused, he went on a texting diatribe blaming me for not reminding him to call his own children. He vilifies me for not being responsible for him.

In the early days of the separation, I would call him at his appointed time if he was late and he chastised me for “not being patient” and said that I was “pressuring him.” At the time, I thought I was doing him a favor. So, I stopped. I realized that it was HIS responsibility to remember to call our children, not mine. Then later he got mad at me for NOT calling to remind him to call. So, I gently explained to him that I had tried to help remind him before, but instead got yelled at by him for “not being patient.” He denied ever reacting that way.

So, this is just another prime example of how you cannot ever win with a narcissist, you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Narcissists Rationalize Their Mistreatment of You and Belittle Your Concerns

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I have come to the conclusion that a narcissist has the emotional equivalent of a 4 year old. It is as if they are a child trapped inside an adult’s body because everything is all about them. They are the sun and the whole planetary system revolves around them. They walk all over you as if you were no more than a blade of grass under their foot. If I ever had a legitimate concern about my health, (for example, I would experience strange pins and needles in my extremities) my narcissist husband would dismiss it as nothing, however, his plantar fasciitis (annoying heel pain) seemed to be the end of the world!

Even issues I had about our relationship were played down by him. One time, I expressed concern to my husband by saying that I can’t help but feel like I am “walking on eggshells around him.” He looked indignant at me and callus. He scoffed at me without any concern for my feelings and said, “that sounds like something your Mother would say.” Then he asked, “Has she been filling your head with this kind of psychological jargon?” This is just another example of a narcissist showing his lack of empathy. He never asked me any deep questions about WHY I felt the way that I did. He was just offended that I had anything to say that made it apparent that our relationship had issues that he was ignoring.

The vasectomy talk went much worse. When we were first married, he told me that he would have a vasectomy after we decided we were done having children. Well, when that time came after our second child, he refused to get the surgery. He put it off and said maybe in a year. Then after that year came and went, I brought the topic up and he said that he still was not ready and that he didn’t appreciate me pushing him!  I was sick of being on birth control pills and they were making my hair fall out in clumps. So, I expressed my sincere concern about the serious side effects of pills, like cancer as well as stroke and deep vein thrombosis for women over age 30, but he did not care. He is even a doctor and knows the risks but still downplayed them. He made me feel like I was making a big deal over nothing. He insisted that I just stay on the pills anyway. He was really upset that night, so I just bit my lip and let it go. I waited yet another year, then all hell broke loose.

The night I dared to bring it up for the third time in a 2 ½ year time span, I was in tears because I already knew how he would respond to me pleading for him to get the surgery. He reacted with no emotion except irritation and anger. He was offended, indignant and upset that I brought the topic up on a “weeknight when he just wanted to relax and watch TV with his wife.” I was having medical problems at the time and serious anxiety symptoms that I contributed to the pills, as well as the continued hair loss. I was really meek and tried to convey my depth of concern for my health by continually taking the pill. I humbly asked him to reconsider and have the surgery. He responded with no concern for me, no hugs, no understanding, no empathy. Obviously. Instead, all he thought about was himself and how this conversation was “ruining his night.” He even went as far as to say, “we have discussed this before, you are pushing me again and now I may never be ready to have the surgery. But if you want to go ahead and have your tubes tied, then be my guest.” I was horrified, not because of the $10,000 price difference between a tubal ligation vs. a vasectomy, but that he would suggest that I was the one being unreasonable.

He had a warped way of thinking that I could not wrap my head around.  I then asked him why I should continue to risk my health by taking the pill and he responded by saying that “he risks his life every day driving to work” and he has a much higher likelihood of getting killed on the road than I do of having complications from the pill so I should just “take one for the team.” I was flabbergasted at his comments, then it got even worse. He continued to elaborate that if he got the surgery, I would be able to get remarried and have more children with someone else if I ever decided to leave him, but that he couldn’t if he wanted to. I could not believe what he was saying!  Up to that point, I never even considered that possibility as an option. He thought so little of me and did not trust me, which was the real reason he refused the surgery he once promised to have. He was a liar, a fraud. He thought only about himself and his needs and wants. It was abundantly clear to me how our marriage would be moving forward at that point on. It wouldn’t.

I then said that if he refused to get the simple procedure, I was going to go off of the pill, and we would just have to use condoms. Boy, he hit the roof!  He was horrified that I would even propose such a solution. He said that he would not even consider using condoms with his wife. So, I was held hostage, I had no choice but to stay on the pill because at that moment I realized that he did not care one ounce for me, for what I wanted and whether I felt healthy or not. It was his way or no way!  As such, I decided that as much as I love my two children, the only thing worse than staying on the pill was having another child with that man who cared nothing for me.

The whole night was an eye-opener, my narcissist had the cunning ability to rationalize his mistreatment of me in the most despicable ways. I learned that I may have no choice but to leave him at some point, but the final straw was yet to come.

So, the moral of this memory is…if you feel like your concerns go unheard by your partner, than it is time to consider the worst. He or she does not really love you or respect you, this is a common indicator of a narcissistic relationship.

 

 

 

 

Narcissists Have Unrealistic Expectations and Do Not Believe in Change

/ racheljaners / 1 Comment

One of the biggest indicators of narcissism is a preoccupation with things staying the same. They operate the same in every relationship they enter and narcissists do not believe in change as an individual. The reason for this is because they feel that they are perfect and have no reason to change. One time, I made a comment of how “relationships change and people grow as they go through life” and he could not comprehend what I was saying.  Instead, he got irate and said “I like what we have, our relationship should always be in the honeymoon phase!” I responded with a gentle laugh and said that he cannot be serious, but sadly he was.  It is nature’s truth that nothing stays the same, even a child can figure that out by witnessing the leaves changing from green to brown, and falling down.  I went on to say that it is not natural to never alter your views on life as you grow older. The people you meet, the places you visit, the successes as well as the failures all teach us about who we are and how to better ourselves. Personal growth leads to a more fulfilling life.  But in that moment, he looked at me like I had spiders crawling out of my ears.  I knew right then, that it was going to be a bumpy ride!

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A typical trait of narcissism involves the “preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love” according to Sam Vaknin, self proclaimed and clinically diagnosed narcissist. This preoccupation manifests itself throughout everything narcissists do. Their view on life is considered by them to be the “correct” view, no matter how distorted their opinion of the world actually is. Thus, we the victims, must go along with the narcissist’s beliefs or else face punishment which may consist of silent treatments, rages, attacks, put-downs, pouting, guilt trips, etc.

Whatever your situation, the narcissist is obsessed with his or her idea of success. Whether the success be financial, supreme intelligence, gorgeous looks, or even relationship status, the ultimate control is key. In my situation, my narcissist was certainly obsessed with his retirement portfolio. He researched stocks and bonds every day. He spoke about retirement a few times a week despite the fact that he was 43. He defined success as retiring at 50. He was in a big hurry to go nowhere.  I always supported his goals, however, my family does not believe in retirement and feel that when you retire, your mind shuts down and you die sooner. Anyways, the thought of him not going to a place of work during the day and being around me even more, I admit sent shock waves throughout my system. I would push that thought as far away from my mind as possible. I desperately clung to the hope that he would change his mind as he was so prone to do.

We must learn to recognize that narcissists have a preoccupation with things staying the same. They are stagnant, repetitive creatures. Have you ever noticed that your narcissist constantly repeats him or herself? Mine was so predictable, I knew what he was going to say before he even opened his mouth.  And if you choose to stay with yours, it is a certainty that you will never be able to change your situation or to grow as a human being. I needed to break free from the chains my narcissist clamped around me, so that I could be unrestricted to grow and thrive as an individual has a right to.

 

Can a Narcissist Sincerely Love Anyone Other Than Themselves?

/ racheljaners / 3 Comments

Is a narcissist capable of truly loving another human being?  This is a provocative question because “love” is defined as “a strong affection, attachment or devotion for another arising out of kinship or personal ties, as well as an unselfish loyal benevolent concern for the good of another.”  Narcissists by nature are selfish creatures only concerned about themselves, so it natural to believe that this selfish state of mind cannot possibly coexist with love.

The very description of a narcissist is a person who is incapable of empathy.  Empathy is “the feeling that you understand and share another persons experiences and emotions.” Therefore, if you cannot truly understand someone and share in their emotions, you cannot really love them.  Empathy is the basis for all love.  Unfortunately, because narcissists do not have the capacity to empathize, they cannot tap into real emotions that are vital to feel love, nor are they capable of giving unconditional love.

To a narcissist, love is what YOU can do for them.  As sad and shocking as it seems, you my dear, were not loved by your narcissist, you were tolerated, you were absorbed, controlled, owned, and reprogrammed by him or her.  To a narcissist, he or she views it as a privilege for you to be in their life.  There is no true reciprocity, no give and take, no connection, no acceptance or devotion, trust or growth.  All those essential components needed to create and sustain a healthy, viable relationship are absent.

You may find yourself struggling with the memories of your narcissist showering you with attention and “love” in the beginning of your relationship. You may want to believe that this cannot have been just an act, but unfortunately it was. This love-bombing phase encourages you into a false sense of security with him or her so that you drop your defenses and trust them blindly.  This makes it easy for them to manipulate and later destroy you.  Then when you feel that you cannot take any more abuse, you begin to pull away.  At that point, the narcissist jumps back into the love-bombing phase again to lure you back to their control zone.  It is a vicious cycle that will continue until the narcissist gets bored and decides to move onto an easier target, or until you break free from it yourself.

So as the definition of love goes, does your narcissist unselfishly put you and your interests before their own?  No, because he or she has no capability to feel authentic, true love. The bottom line is that you deserve to be loved, cherished and heard, and a narcissist is simply incapable of it.

 

 

 

*Definitions of “love” and “empathy” are taken from the Merriam-Webster online dictionary