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Narcissists Demand their Children Look Perfect in Every Way.

/ racheljaners / Leave a comment

When my 7 year old little girl finally lost her two front teeth at the same time, I was excited for her yet sad that it was another sign of her growing up. However, it was also adorable and heart warming when she opened up her mouth and smiled at me. I couldn’t get enough of her little gap-toothed pixie grin! I was taking photos and videos all over the place, trying to document this precious and fleeting time of her life, just as any parent would. Well, almost any parent. The narcissist is excluded in this, of course.

After my daughter came home from visiting her father right after she had lost her two front teeth, she and her brother told me that their dad kept telling her to “keep her mouth shut” because he did not want her missing teeth to show in the pictures he was taking.  His new wife (who I suspect is also a narcissist) even told my sweet daughter that she “looked scary” because of her missing teeth.  My ex narcissist is famous for taking tons of photos of his “new perfect family” with our shared two children, and his new wife and their two babies.  I have seen many of the pictures, and my children always look strained and have fake smiles. Both of my children have exasperatedly told me many times that their dad “always takes a lot of photos when they visit” and that he wants them “to look like movie stars” in the pictures.

I was horrified that he was so caught up in looking perfect, he told our beautiful little girl to her to keep her mouth closed because he did not want her “imperfect” smile to ruin his “perfect family” pics taken on his iphone.  A few weeks later, as my daughter’s front teeth were coming in, he saw her smile and said, “Oh, that looks so much better.”  Ugh!

Narcissists are wretched human beings and also huge hypocrites. It is sad really, because her father has a gap toothed grin himself, and he is in his mid 40’s. If portraying a perfect image is so important to him, then he should have taken himself to the orthodontist 20 years ago and got his own teeth fixed. But no, he feels that he is the ideal of what a man should look like and cannot be honest with what he sees in the mirror. But that is just a narcissist for you.  I remember that he would make lots of comments about his 5 year old daughter from another relationship and he felt that she was “getting fat.”  I told him that he was being too hard on her and that she was a healthy weight and still growing.  I told him “don’t you dare tell a little girl that!!! You will scar her for life.”  Good thing he has alienated her from his new life and she is free from his emotional abuse now.  However, we are not so lucky.

Due to the fact that image is everything to a narcissist, they want to appear to the world as having it all together, and that includes their family.  Narcissists dress up their children like dolls, and expect them to always smile and look perfect all the time. It is exhausting!  My son says he loves that he can wear his comfy clothes like sweatpants and tee shirts when he is home with me because at his father’s, he has to dress up for everything, even going to the zoo.  His dad threatens me with throwing away the clothes I have sent with the kids because he doesn’t like the pattern on my daughter’s pants, or there is a small amount of wear on the knees. I think it is ridiculous because the kids just go to the park, who wants to send formal attire for that?

When he has the children on his visitation, my narcissist is notorious for wasting loads of time that he should be spending with the kids, texting and emailing me awful messages about the  clothes and shoes I sent.  Nothing is ever good enough.  For a day and a half visit, I send 3-4 pairs of pants, and dresses and shorts.  He wastes his time with the kids verbally battering me over nonsense.   Many instances he told me not to send certain clothes back the next time because he thinks they are ugly.  This is unfounded because I always send cute, good quality clothing from Gymboree or similar brands.

If the kids shoes ever have any kind of wear, he tells me to throw them away because he “pays me too much money” and I should be spending it on the kids. Well, my daughter’s brand new shoes look worn after just one week because she is an infamous toe-dragger. It cannot be helped.

He would even threaten me and say that he emailed pictures of the kid’s shoes to his attorney and would claim that I was neglecting the children, which couldn’t be further from the truth. If only you could see their gorgeous closets filled with wonderful wardrobes. He just needs something to hang his hat on, something to make him feel good, his narcissistic supply. Which unfortunately means that he needs to try to get a reaction out of me, so he picks at me regarding the children constantly.

What my narcissist does not understand is that I don’t care anymore. I just laugh at him when he starts on his latest tirade. I let him roll around in the muck all by himself. As if there was anything I could do to actually please him anyway? If you find that you are in similar circumstances, just shake your head and let it go.

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Narcissistic fathers and their children

/ racheljaners / 3 Comments

Narcissists are extremely jealous of their children for numerous reasons.  First, because children take their mother’s time away from focusing solely on the narcissist.  Second, narcissists have the demented belief that their offspring purely are extensions of themselves. And as soon as the children begin to demonstrate their own minds that will happen to differ with what the narcissist believes, the narcissist acts out by demeaning them and telling them that they are wrong. He will tell them that they better not think that way, or better not pursue professions that he does not approve of, etc… Interestingly, anything that the narcissist sees the children doing or saying that he does not like, he blames the mother for it.  When I left my ex, I remembered he called me with anger and told me that he should be number one, and the kids number two. Well, I beg to differ.

My narcissist ex will take away my children’s accomplishments by one upping them. When my son says, “Hi dad, I played catch today.” My ex then replies with, “Oh that is great! Daddy played catch all the time when I was your age.” And when my son says, “I had a Cub Scouts meeting today,” my ex says “Yes, Daddy was in Cub Scouts too.” There is no other response or inquiry into whatever my son says he achieved, it could be concerning school activities, sports, etc. Which is funny because the entire time I was married to him, he never once mentioned Cub Scouts or playing baseball or soccer, he told me that he only played football. I strongly believe that he never actually did those things. He is just desperately trying to get his son to see him as accomplished, when in fact, he is not. And by stealing our son’s thunder and refocusing the attention on himself, he is killing any potential meaningful relationship with our son. No one likes being one upped all the time.

My children are 7 and 10 now, and he still does baby talk to them. It is disgusting. He just doesn’t know how to effectively communicate with them. He is what I call an “over-talker.” He does not take the time to listen to them, he just keeps talking as they are trying to tell him about their day.  He acts so out of touch with reality. Even though their father rarely sees them now because he moved across the country, he still calls most every night and says the same things to the kids and proceeds to give them the latest “countdown” until they “come to daddy’s house,” as if they were getting ready to blast off into space. However, as far as I am concerned, being shuttled headlong into the vast emptiness of outer space, without vital support and meaningful communication with others, I would imagine that is exactly what a trip to daddy’s house feels like to the children based on their reports to me when they come back home.

Having a narcissist for a father is constantly frustrating for children. They don’t feel heard, they certainly do not feel understood. Children do not feel safe or free to think for themselves and are constantly seeking the narcissist’s approval in all matters. Narcissists have an emotional void in the space where empathy should reside. This lack of empathy is what makes a narcissist. That is also what makes a psychopath and sociopath, truth be told.

Related:  My blog posts on How to Save your Children from a Narcissistic Parent.  and How to go No Contact with a Narcissist when you have Children with one.

How to help a friend who is involved with a Narcissist…

/ racheljaners / 4 Comments

I was recently asked by a concerned reader how to help a friend that she was sure was married to a narcissist. Unfortunately, she probably will not like my answer because it is not a quick fix. It is a slow progression of help which I will get into further on, but first a little background into a typical victim’s mindset. These matters are extremely delicate, as the victim in a narcissistic relationship has been brainwashed into believing that they somehow deserve the bad treatment. They believe that everything the narcissist does or says is actually their fault.  As a result, the victim’s sense of self is obliterated, their strength has been sapped to the point that they willingly take the abuse and have normalized it.  They believe it is the best they can expect. Victims are actually fooled into believing that they are lucky to have the abuser! (Like Stockholm Syndrome)

Usually, the relationship between a narcissist and a victim is that of the “pedestal and the pit.” I discussed this tactic in another blog. This is the situation in a relationship where the narc will place his victim on a pedestal and treat her like gold, then the next moment, knock her down into the pit of mistreatment. It disorientates the victim to the point of confusion. This is a vicious cycle that never stops during a narcissist relationship.  After undergoing this dizzying cycle of ups and downs, the feeling of being in the narc’s good graces again and sitting on top of that pedestal feels so relieving to the victim after being in the “pit,” it is addicting.  As a result of this torment, the victim will do anything to please the narcissist.  She will find herself ignoring the bad in the relationship and only focusing on the good in order to pull through day by day.  So, she makes excuses for him, hoping and praying that things are going to be different. But things NEVER change. It is a sad truth. You cannot FIX a Narcissist!

So, back to the question of “How to help a friend who is involved with a narcissist?”

First, you can help your friend the most by sitting down with her and explaining your concerns and why you are worried about her.

However, after being married to a Narcissist for 7 years myself, I am aware of how proficient your friend will be at making excuses for her husband’s bad behavior.  I was, I go into that topic more in this blog post.  I covered for his bad behavior for numerous reasons. One of those was because I began to believe I didn’t deserve better (as I mentioned above). Also, I wanted to live in the fantasy that our marriage was grand, I didn’t want others to know what he was really like.  I was afraid of casting a light on his horrible behavior and that would mean that I needed to finally do something about it. (Which I knew would be the most challenging task of my life.)  Additionally, I made excuses because I shared children with him, and in my mind, I used to believe that divorce was the worst thing you could do to a child.  However, now I realize that staying in a terrible, abusive marriage only teaches your children to become apathetic and perfect victims, or it teaches them to become narcissistic abusers themselves.

Second, after showing your friend some material on narcissist behavior, you must tell your friend that because you care about her, no matter what, you will be there to support and encourage her whenever she is ready to seek help.
What helped me was when my narc had a earth shattering tantrum in front of my parents that I couldn’t cover up, and I had no possible excuses for.  That moment, my concerned parents offered to take me and my children 3 hours home with them that day. I declined out of fear.  But it got the wheels turning in my mind, and when my mother told me that she thought my husband was a Narcissist.  I began to google everything I could on the disorder because I had no idea what that really was.  In my research, I discovered that my husband had all the markers of it and it changed my mindset.  Learning about narcissism opened my eyes to seeing how I was living day to day and forced me to take a good look at how I permitted him to control my life.  In another blog, I discuss these 13 big signs that proved I was in a relationship with a narcissist.  It was like a blanket of darkness finally lifted and I began to see him for what he really was. I had started figuring out what had been nagging me our whole marriage.  But, the point is, I had to figure it out myself.  My Mother planted the seed, she tried to pull me out of this relationship, but I was not ready to go. I needed it to be MY choice, on MY time. Then one day after endless research online and in books, I finally hit a point, where my fear of staying outweighed my fear of leaving.

Third, you must be patient with your friend.

It will take time, but you cannot just rip her away from a bad relationship. It will backfire and she will end up going back to him and cutting all ties with you.  If you plant the seed, it will begin to grow in her mind and she needs to learn the truth herself.  Looking back, what mattered the most to me during my revelation was knowing that my Mom and Dad were there to support me and to help when I was ready to leave.  I am very thankful for that.

In summary, there is no magic bullet to getting a friend away from a narcissistic relationship.  It is a process that they alone have to be ready to undergo.  The victim must be armored with knowledge about the narcissist’s tactics before they begin to walk through that door.  That is where you come in, be there for them, and they will never forget it, even if they seem to ignore your concerns at this point.  I discuss how I made my escape in this blog post.  To an outsider, it can be hard to understand why someone would stay in a toxic relationship, but unless you go through it, it is impossible to understand it.    Just try to be sympathetic with your friend because it is such a drastic undertaking to break away from an abusive relationship that the victim must be in a fully committed state of mind to make it happen.  If they are only “sort of” ready to leave, that wont be enough to succeed in escaping.

If they understand that they have people in their life who love them and will be there to support them, that can make all the difference.

The Show Must Go On…

/ racheljaners / 2 Comments

We have all heard the phrase, “the show must go on.” But the ones who really understand it are those people who lived it by being stuck in a toxic relationship with a Narcissist. When you find that you need to put on a show whenever your partner is around, that is big sign that you are being controlled by a narcissist.

I am now three years removed from being submerged in a suffocating marriage with a narcissist, however, when I think back to what I went through and how I felt, I had an epiphany. I distinctly remember whenever my ex walked through the door, I had to prepare my 3 year old and 6 year old to treat their father a certain way in order to stall their father’s bad moods, suspicious antics or lecturing behavior.

I found myself telling my children that “Daddy’s going to be coming home soon and they better smile, and give him a big hug” and I would plead with them to be on their best behavior. I quickly learned that we had to go through this role playing because in the past, if my narcissist were to come home and we were all doing something other than waiting there to greet him with smiles on our faces and our full attention, he would be offended and feel that we “did not appreciate him.” He would then go on a pity trip and lecture us, scold us and say that we did not love him, etc. It was ridiculous, but true. It would put a dampener on the rest of the evening and we all walked on eggshells.

So, I would find myself trying to prepare my little actors to put on a show for Daddy. A show that would hopefully, delay the narcissist’s antics for a later time. But it was never for long. The children and I were always in survival mode, just waiting for the next little thing to set him off.

During the marriage, I didn’t actually see what I was doing, or how his behavior truly affected us because when you are living it, it can be difficult to see through it. However, now that I am safely away from my narcissist and in a healthy relationship full of mutual respect and adoration, I can easily see what lengths I went to in order to try to protect my children from their narcissistic father.

If you find that you need to be anyone other than your true self when your partner is around, that is not a good sign. Be aware that all of life is not a stage, or at least it shouldn’t have to be. My advice as someone who has lived through it, lower the curtain and walk away and it is best to ignore the curtain call, let the narcissist get the bows he craves from someone other than you or your children.

Rollercoaster Relationship with a Narcissist.

/ racheljaners / 1 Comment

A few months ago, I woke up from a dream that seemed so real it made me dizzy.  I always have taken my dreams with a grain of salt.  In the past, I have met people with skepticism when they discussed their dreams somehow giving insight to what was going on in their lives.  Well, I have learned many lessons these past two years and feel that a deeper understanding of what is going on in your life can absolutely manifest in your dreams from time to time.

In my dream, I was stuck in the back car of a roller coaster and my Narcissist ex husband was in the front car with the kids and no matter what I did, I could not get to them.  That dream so completely summed up my relationship over the past 7 years with him.

In a relationship with a narcissist, there are extreme highs and extreme lows. They put you on the pedistal and toss you down into the pit, as I have described in a previous blog. When things were good, they were great, and when he was displeased over one thing or another, (no matter how trivial) things were horrible.

Now that I have broken away from my narcissist, life is inconcieveably better. The best thing I have ever done was to leave him.  I have a job I love, my kids enjoy their school and I finally finished building my dream house!  And just then, wouldn’t you know it…when I was happy to be on my way, on my own… I stumbled upon meeting a good, honest, and intelligent man who loves and respects me and my family.  And I met him only 2.3 miles from my new home as matter of fact!  It is funny because I swore off internet dating, as that was how I met my ex narcissist 8 years ago.  Since I entered the dating scene, I vowed that if I was ever to date anyone in the future, I would have to meet him face to face purely by introduction or by accident.

Eventhough I have been guarded since leaving my rollercoaster of a relationship, I have had two years to reflect on who I am and what it is that I want.  I now have the confidence in myself to trust my gut again. I am determined not to make the same mistakes in future relationships.

That is something that toxic relationships with narcissists do, they rob you of your joy, your confidence and your ability to trust and love others by shattering who you are. Whereas, a healthy relationship is meant to build you up, not break you down.

I am enjoying where this relationship is taking us.  It feels incredibally rewarding to trust and love again. He gives me space, but makes room in his life for me and treats me like I had always hoped for.  It is funny how something as simple as being listened to when you talk can make you feel so loved. He always makes time to talk to me about my day, and he actually seems genuinely interested in what I have to say. I no longer feel like my thoughts and opinions don’t matter.  I am loving every day of our journey together and haven’t seen one red flag yet and it has been 6 months.

I see what my narcissist is doing in his relationship since I left him. He is up to the same old tricks.  My ex narc had only been alone one month before he snagged his next victim. Irena is a 26 year old Ukrainian”au pair.” He got her pregnant after three months and they are aleady pregnant with baby #2, and it has not even been a full two years since she landed on US soil. I see how he drives at least 300 miles every other weekend and has moved another 3 times since I left and plans road trips and plane flights on a whim, dragging her and the baby along. I vividly remember how exhausting it was trying to keep up with him when he was on one of his roaming tangents.

I am so greatful that I jumped off of that rollercoaster, that is one ride that I will never board again.

 

Realizing You Have Become Stronger After Enduring Narcissist Abuse…

/ racheljaners / 4 Comments

Now that I am safely divorced and apart from my narcissist, I feel more invigorated by the day. I am on a path of discovery that I couldn’t comprehend one year ago. It is somewhat true what they say about “time healing all wounds.” Although time does help, it does not heal if you do not look within yourself to discover how deep your wounds have been inflicted.

It was shocking when I put some time and distance between the painful experiences I endured to recognize just how miserable and controlled I was living day to day. I was not living, I was merely surviving at best. I was incredibly altered when I married that man. Every day was a torment. He never asked me how I was sincerely, nor did he care. I had to repeat myself like a parrot because he never listened to what I had to say, unless he realized that he could save it up and twist it somehow to use against me later. A narcissist has no interest in you or anything you care about, because all their minds can wrap around is their own. They have no capacity to truly love, they are merely an empty shell of a human being.

Now that I am done with that part of my life, I have been focusing on my wants and my needs for the first time in almost a decade and it feels so wonderful! I hardly ever think of him, unless it is to remember he is calling to talk to the kids. I don’t waste my thoughts on him if I can help it, he does not control me anymore. But it is interesting how his abuse can still haunt me over the simple things I do now.

When I find my mind jumping to a moment where he would abuse me in the past, I experience a great wave of appreciation that I don’t have to endure it anymore. It hits me like a jolt, then I try to push it to the side and move on. I used to hate when these moments jostled me, however, now I take a second to be grateful for them because I no longer have to live under his rule. These moments solidify my fortitude.
I almost relish it when he tries to upset me know, because I just laugh and shake it off. He has lost his power over me and he knows it. He has not tried to upset me as much either because he knows he doesn’t have the same effect on me that he used to. One time at the pick up of the kids, he was talking to me about something that upset him and I looked at him and casually threw my head back and laughed. He looked at me stunned and confused. I wish I could have taken a picture of his reaction because it was priceless.

What I am trying to say is that the longer you are away from your narcissist and go “no contact” as much as possible, the better you will begin to feel.  As the days and moments slowly pass after you have left, only then can the wounds finally have a real chance to start the healing process. With this distance, you will be able to look deep into yourself and figure out what parts are missing and what parts you need to repair.  With time, you will get to the point where the narcissist’s actions annoy you rather than upset you. You will be annoyed that you didn’t see through his or her antics sooner, you will become irritated that you used to let it bother you so much in the past. When you get to this point, you will realize how much stronger you are now. It is a wonderful and powerful place to be! This is YOUR time, relish it!

 

 

Boom goes the Dynamite!

/ racheljaners / 4 Comments

Tonight I picked up my children from spending another whirlwind weekend with their father. After giving them their baths, my son dropped a bombshell on me. Out of the blue he said, “Irena is pregnant! It’s a boy, his name is Michael!” My reaction was of such shock and amazement that I couldn’t help but to laugh and smile and exclaim, “Really? Oh my goodness that is amazing!” I did not know what else to say. Partly because I had known that this would happen since the moment that my narcissist told me one month after I left him, that he was bringing a 25 year old Ukrainian “au pair” to live with him full time while he had visitation of the children for only two weekends a month.

So what I am trying to say is that I am not surprised by any means, but vindicated. This makes sense now as to why he settled our divorce as quickly as he did, because according to the math, she was pregnant even before our mediation. My ex actually took my son and daughter into the doctor’s office to witness the ultrasound!  I am not sad, or even pissed off, to be honest. But I do feel sorry for the children because in the midst of their excitement of having a baby brother, they do not realize that they are standing on the edge of the cliff of abandonment by their father. They truly have no idea that their Daddy, who they look up to at this age, already has done this twice before.

The first time, my narcissist was 16 years old, made a boo boo while he was a senior in high school and knocked up his girlfriend, who he later abandoned so that he could enter the Navy. He blamed everyone but himself for his accident. He said that “she got pregnant on purpose to keep him from going to West Point.” Then he said that it was his parents fault because they “should have warned him not to trust a girl to take her birth control.” Really? Are you kidding me? It is his own fault that he couldn’t keep his cock in his pants in yet he actually believes it was everyone else that screwed up! Well, that little baby boy, “JJ” grew up without knowing what really happened, as he was taken on by his mother’s new husband and lived in a happy home for the most part. The child even went as far as to change his last name from my narcissist’s to his mother’s maiden name when he turned 18. That was a real slap in the face to my narc. As I feel it was justified, but I could not express that to him.

The second time, a decade later, my narcissist met a girl named Jill, married her quickly then he spent three years in Japan as a flight surgeon while he paid for her to go to college back in the States. I think that this is the only reason their marriage survived during those several years, but when he came back, they mysteriously separated. I say mysteriously because he could never give me an acceptable, or believable reason. However, he said that when they tried to reconcile, she ended up pregnant “to try to keep him.” He said he filed for divorce after that, because “he couldn’t trust her.” Anyways, baby Sarah came into the world right before their divorce, then he had strained relations with that little girl, till he eventually cut her out of his life when she turned 4 years old. I met him during that time, I only got to be around sweet little Sarah a few months and really fell in love with her! I always encouraged him to keep up the visitation but he said that Jill was poisoning Sarah against him and that it was a lost cause and that we should just move to where his “dream job” was in Michigan. Sarah lived in Pennsylvania, and we were in Ohio which meant the visitation was already long distance and a strain on Sarah anyways. We were planning on marrying and he was determined to “start over” and have “our own children.” So, this is a pretty good preview of what is destined to happen to my children. He has his “new fresh start” with Irena, and when he gets bored, he will dump our children and blame me somehow for it.

Initially my reaction of the news that his new girlfriend was pregnant was of hilarity and exoneration. However, now I can’t help but feel sick at the thought that a person can really do that to someone. I gave seven years of my life, love, labor and trust to him. But I just had the shocking realization that none of that ever counted for anything. He never respected me, he never was proud of me. He merely used me to serve his needs, he never cared for me. I now have the confirmation that he most certainly cheated on me through the duration of our marriage, and it is a disturbing realization. I truly hoped that he had more class than that. But that is a narcissist for you!

Now, I know what everyone reading this is wondering, “Why in the hell would this woman girl marry this guy in the first place?” It’s bad right? I know! But you must understand, that I did not know all of this before I married him. We met and married within a span of seven months. I didn’t take the much needed time to learn about this man that I was intent on spending the rest of my life with. I leaped before I looked. Maybe a part of me didn’t want to really see. All of these distorted pieces of his past came out slowly bit by bit. Then when it was too late, the picture of his horribly disfigured puzzle came into view. I was 27 when I met him, I was coming out of law school weary after dating a bunch of immature boys and he seemed like he was an established, professional man. That appealed to me I am not going to lie. But what he portrayed himself to be in all other matters couldn’t be further from the truth. So all I ask is that you don’t judge me too harshly. I was conned, as all of you were. But what it has taught me is a valuable lesson, not to trust too blindly. Make whoever you are dating, or spending time with prove to you that they are worthy of you.

Books to read…if you are Divorcing a Narcissist

/ racheljaners / 5 Comments

If you are like me, you thirst for information to help arm yourself against your upcoming battle of breaking away from your narcissist. When I first realized what kind of person I was married to, I went online to try to discover all I could about how to handle the situation. Marriage to a narcissist is difficult at best, so I knew that divorcing one would be the challenge of my lifetime!  Knowledge is power and you have to take the lead in learning all you can about the possible situations that you may face when deciding to leave your narcissist. There are common threads with these relationships, there is no such thing as an amicable split with one. Be forewarned! The more you know the better off you will be when making your split. If you can learn from others mistakes, all the better for you!

Besides online resources, I also went to the library and discovered some amazing books that help give insight into what problems I would likely face when divorcing my narc. I am so thankful that I read these two particular books and strongly recommend that you check these two out if you are facing a divorce with your narcissist.

Splitting by Bill Eddy, JD. The author is highly qualified on this subject becausIMG_1667e he is a family lawyer, therapist, and divorce mediator. This book is very helpful because it dives into topic of divorcing someone with Borderline Personality Disorder as well as Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It focuses on high-conflict divorces from the perspective of the court, and the best way to navigate the process and gives amazing strategic advice to the victim. I always felt that my ex was Bi-Polar because he would switch between hot and cold at the drop of a hat. Our relationship was an emotional roller-coaster, filled with either extreme highs or sinking lows. This book made clear what I could be dealing with in my upcoming battle and was invaluable to me.

Will I ever be free of you? By Karyl McBride, Ph.D. This book is helpful bIMG_1666ecause it focuses on how to navigate a divorce with a narcissist and protect yourself and your children during and after the difficult process.  It is a different take than “Splitting,” because it is a woman’s perspective that has a personal quality to it that is both reassuring and informative.

Preparing yourself before you leave is extremely valuable to your success in escaping your narcissist as intact as possible. The more you educate yourself, the stronger you will be to handle what your narcissist throws at you.  You can do this!

How to Save Your Children from a Narcissistic Parent?

/ racheljaners / 3 Comments

When you are involved with a narcissist, the effects on you are bad enough, but when you have children with one, it is truly a sad situation. This is the case because the children will eventually suffer the same abuse that you do as soon as they develop their own thoughts and opinions on life. So if you decide stay involved in a relationship or marriage with a narcissist, you must become aware of the harsh reality that your children will become the sacrificial lambs.

Whilst they are still young, the narcissist views the children as little extensions of him or herself and their image. The children are a grand source of narcissistic supply because whilst young, they idolize that parent. During this stage, there is no difference in views or clash of opinions. However, as soon as they grow and become little independent thinkers, all bets are off! The narcissist parent pushes his or her views onto them and expects the children think and behave exactly they way he or she does. If the narcissist does not value a particular sport or activity, the child will not get to play or engage in it. If the narcissist has certain beliefs of what job that child should have someday, he or she expects the child to pursue no other career.

The narcissistic parent will often try to have the children team up with them to abuse the other parent. They put false notions into the children’s impressionable minds that the other parent is lacking in some way. In my case, my narcissist would try to make me out to be “no fun” to the children, which couldn’t be further from the truth. He would repeatedly try to make me out to be the “bad guy” so that the children would see him as the “good guy.” The burden of the disciplinarian was always put upon my shoulders.  When I tried to have any kind of order, he found it hilarious to try to create chaos just to rattle me.  Then he would turn around and blame me for the very chaos he cheerfully created.  He hardly ever was on my side and usually let the kids get away with bad behavior because he wanted to be the “fun dad.”  Then when I would try to get the kids to behave, he would say that I was being too harsh.  He didn’t back me up, which is what good team parenting should always do.

The narcissist wants the children to “love them more” and to act as his or her minions. The narcissist is so insecure that s/he is desperate for validation and needs to feel like the children needs them more. However, the children frequently find themselves struggling to identify with that parent because of the strings-attached love.

I could see that my little ones often felt unheard and inconsequential, and tense in the presence of their narcissist father. My six-year-old son would try to tell his daddy something about his day and the narcissist would just say “Uh huh, that’s great” without actually hearing what my son was telling him. My narcissist would not even try to really listen to the children, then he would talk over them. He always interrupted them and me. I could never get a word in edge wise. It drove me to the brink daily. Finally, I just stopped trying to even talk anymore, because it was just easier not to.

While staying in a relationship with a narcissist, the children will inevitably pick up on the abuse you suffer even if they are not yet the targets. It is unavoidable that the children will notice subtle hints of your suffering, no matter how hard you attempt to hide it. They will witness you walking on eggshells, they will see how you strive to avoid conflicts with Daddy or Mommy. They will learn how to play the game. Those eager little learners will eventually observe how they have to “perform” in order to reduce the negative reactions of the narcissist parent. And even more tragically, they may also learn from the narcissist parent how to manipulate others to bow down to their will. Regardless, the result of staying in a narcissistic relationship has terrible consequences to the children. Either they will be taught how to become the perfect victim for narcissistic abuse or they will become narcissistic abusers themselves.

This was a big reason why I chose to leave. I had to save my children from being groomed to be future victims of narcissists, or becoming narcissists themselves. I realized that leaving my narcissist was the only option if I wanted to save my children. At least they will spend the majority of their time with healthy, unconditionally loving relationships, which will help make up for the little amount of time that they have to spend with their soul sucking, emotionally absent father.

How to go NO CONTACT with a Narcissist When You Have Children with One

/ racheljaners / 8 Comments

It is a widely known rehabilitative step to go “no contact” with a narcissist partner. This means to stop all forms of communication. No phone calls, no visits, give back all gift attempts or mail, cut all ties with that person completely. It is truly the only solid way to break free from the narcissistic emotional abuse and begin on the long, twisty path to healing. I sure wish I could, but you see… I have children with my narcissist.

I have to abide by certain laws of the court, maintaining just the minimum amount of contact as possible. It is a difficult situation, definitely not for the weak and weary. However, coming out of a seven year roller coaster relationship with a narcissist, I am nothing but weak and weary. So what do I do? What does anyone do? I take it one day at a time while building up my defenses.

First, you must find a support system. I am so fortunate to have my amazing parents and my brother to look to. Also, I am so lucky to have good, true friends that were always there but on the sidelines just waiting for me to come back. I lean on them to listen to my tales of woe. Just talking and writing about it has helped me so much. I find that when I speak or write about what I have gone through, somehow it is released into the atmosphere and weights are lifted off of me. I know that I will get through this, and you will too. Daily I am unearthing shreds of hope and strength that simmer under the surface for my two beautiful children. I cannot afford to fall apart. They need me…I need me. We deserve to get through this and live a life that is good and pure and full of possibilities once again.

Second, cut as many ties with your narcissist as humanly possible while staying within the bounds of the court’s requirements. But because of the children, I cannot just change my phone number, or move away. I have a chain that still binds me to my narcissist. However, I have lengthened it as much as possible. It is ironic that when we were together and my narcissist was gone for a week at a time for his work, he would never ask to speak to the children on the phone. Even when I would try to put him on the phone with the children he would say “No, they don’t make any sense when they are put on the phone anyway.” However, now that we have left him, he INSISTS to talk to the children EVERY single day. Interesting that he never cared before, but now that he has lost his power over me, he struggles to hold onto any bit of control he can grasp. He knows that it puts a crimp in my day to have to be available to put the children on the phone. He never says anything different to them, it is always “I miss you, I want to hug and kiss you.” Same old sayings the conversations lasts about 30 seconds. Then when the children do try to speak, he just talks over the them and they get frustrated. They want to get away from him on the phone as fast as possible. It is sad and ridiculous.

Third, go through an intermediary as much as possible. Anyone who was once involved with a narcissist knows how disrupting their communications can be whether text, email or phone. So, it is greatly recommended that you use any means possible to limit these stressful interactions. One resource out there that is helpful regarding child visitation schedules is an online calendar. These are nice so that you don’t have to have gratuitous contact with your narcissist when setting up visitation. A few examples of online calendars include Custody Junction, and Our Family Wizard. In addition, it can be used as a tool to help keep track of your narcissists actions and in-actions.

Fourth, stop caring about what the narcissist says. Easier said than done, I know. But now that I am equipped with knowledge of how a narcissist operates, I am much more resilient to his disparaging comments. I don’t play into his petty, pathetic hands anymore. If he gets out of line when calling to talk to the children, I just say something cryptic like “I am not going to hear this, this doesn’t concern the children” and I hang up the phone. It is actually quite liberating!

In a nutshell, going no contact with your narcissist is not a luxury afforded to those who have children with one. However, there are numerous ways to limit that contact by elongating that chain that binds us to them. With a few changes, a cast iron spirit and a strong support system, facing our future free of emotional abuse is a beautiful prospect. There is light at the end of the tunnel.