Narcissists are Bigots, Sexist & Racist & their Intolerance of others will put your Life in Turmoil.

   When I was living with my narcissist husband, every day was a struggle.  As soon as I finished unpacking boxes and setting up our home, we were on the move again.  We lived a turbulent life together, never being able to settle in one place for long because he could not maintain a job due to his narcissistic personality disorder.  His odd quarks and profound paranoia of others baffled me.  I kept thinking that something was so off about him, but I just chalked it up to him being a doctor.  I found him to be a bit insecure because I felt that he overcompensated.  He saw himself as a renaissance man who deserved all the finer things in life.  He acted entitled and as an intellectual.  But I did not see him that way.  He grew up in a home with his father always unemployed because he never liked “being told what to do” by anyone, and his mother was a nurse who was hardly ever home.  Yet, he acted as if he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.  I figured him out to be a fraud. 

   I find a man who is capable and kind to be very attractive, and not a man who is inept and vindictive. I admire a man who is there to fix things if they break, and not jump to pay someone else to do it.  A real man will listen to both sides of an argument, and not just point the finger at everyone else.  I realized quickly after we were married that I ended up with a man who was the latter. In looking at the DSM V, narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, entitlement and lack of empathy. There is no doubt about it, narcissists are intolerant individuals because anyone different from them are seen as inferior.  And trying to share your life with someone like this is bound to make yours a misery. The narcissist will reign over what company you keep and will treat others around you like dirt.  You will find that you are constantly instructing a grown person about the “Golden Rule.”  But your efforts to try to help your narcissist co-exist peacefully with others will be in vain.  

    I once asked my ex the hypothetical question, what would happen if our son turned out to be gay one day?  Boy!  That was a big mistake!  My ex was horrified and responded “That will never happen” and that I “better not try to make our son gay.” As if I could just wave a magical wand and change the sexual preference of our son.   I could see right then and there that our children better conform to his ideals of what he thinks they should be or else they will be shut out of his life.  Whereas I just want my children to grow up to be happy and confident individuals.

   My narcissist hated homosexuals and before our marriage, he made me promise to stop seeing my gay friends. He said that he “did not want our future children to be surrounded by “those kinds of people.”   He seemed to think that the “gayness” may rub off on our children somehow.  I was in disbelief when he made those statements.  He is a doctor after all, and supposed to be educated and not such an ignorant ass!  Then when I tried to talk some sense into him and protested about him insisting I stop hanging out with my male gay friend, my ex asked me, “how do you know he is really gay?  He is probably just faking it to get close to you.”  I told him that he was imagining things and that it was not possible because I had known my friend for years. But there was no convincing my ex.  He did not want me to have friends of the opposite sex. Actually, he did not even want me having friends of the same sex.  As soon as we got married, he went to straight work to isolate me from any of my friends and my family, (a huge red flag of narcissistic behavior). 

My narcissist hated people of color. I will never forget the day I brought home a book from the library about a little boy riding an inner city bus for the first time and gets to meet a lot of people who appear very different from him. He encounters guys covered in tattoos and people of different races. It was an uplifting and inspiring book that encourages kindness and acceptance of other people, who at first glance look different but are in fact the same as you. I thought it was a great book! At bedtime, when my ex sat down to read to the children, he picked up that book, thumbed through it and said, “Don’t you ever look through the books you bring home for the kids? This is terrible! Why would you ever get this one? I don’t want our kids to think that hanging out with these kids of people is ok.” I was horrified. I felt a burn of hate well up inside me when he said that. I just shook my head and said, well there is nothing wrong with it in my eyes.

   Male narcissists hate women.  For example, my ex is an anesthesiologist.  He works in hospitals full of female doctors, nurses and the dreaded CNRA.  He despised any female in the same position as him, but he really hated the female CNRA.  This was a certified registered nurse anesthesiologist. Which means, they do pretty much the same thing as doctor anesthesiologists do but without the time spent at medical school, and they work for less money.  My ex was so threatened by these CNRAs, as he felt that they were always undermining him at work and that the hospitals gave them preferential treatment.  This is untrue of course.  However, my paranoid ex thought CNRAs were a conspiracy created by the medical profession to get rid of anesthesiologist positions.  He was usually placed in supervisory positions over the CNRAs and that always ended poorly because of his demeaning and micromanaging manner.  I remember hearing that he made one woman cry because he was so nasty to her.  

   Well due to his intolerance and paranoia, we moved 6-7 times in as many years and he had many jobs with different work structures.  One hospital, he worked on his own, no CNRAs to supervise, and he preferred that model as he was master of his own universe.  However, the boss of his anesthesia group happened to be an older female.  That job lasted only seven months before we had to move again, all this with a 2 year old in tow.  Before everything fell apart at that location, he called me from work in a panic because he said that he just sent me a hateful text message regarding his boss and he accidentally texted it to her instead of me!!! Oh boy.  These are just a few examples of how his disorder made my life impossible to find peace and joy.

   So, in my experience, a narcissist’s behavior towards others is just as damaging as it is towards you.  Their intolerance, nastiness and hateful beliefs of others will impact and dramatically affect your life.  All I ever wanted was a nurturing and happy home for my children, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not accomplish that being married to a man of madness.  There is no fixing a narcissist, they will continue to see the world through hateful eyes and there is nothing you can do to change that.  The only thing you can do to salvage the situation is to save yourself and leave.  That is what I did, and not a day goes where I am not grateful that I made that decision.  My children and I do not have to live under his destructful reign anymore.

Narcissists Demand their Children Look Perfect in Every Way.

When my 7 year old little girl finally lost her two front teeth at the same time, I was excited for her yet sad that it was another sign of her growing up. However, it was also adorable and heart warming when she opened up her mouth and smiled at me. I couldn’t get enough of her little gap-toothed pixie grin! I was taking photos and videos all over the place, trying to document this precious and fleeting time of her life, just as any parent would. Well, almost any parent. The narcissist is excluded in this, of course.

After my daughter came home from visiting her father right after she had lost her two front teeth, she and her brother told me that their dad kept telling her to “keep her mouth shut” because he did not want her missing teeth to show in the pictures he was taking.  His new wife (who I suspect is also a narcissist) even told my sweet daughter that she “looked scary” because of her missing teeth.  My ex narcissist is famous for taking tons of photos of his “new perfect family” with our shared two children, and his new wife and their two babies.  I have seen many of the pictures, and my children always look strained and have fake smiles. Both of my children have exasperatedly told me many times that their dad “always takes a lot of photos when they visit” and that he wants them “to look like movie stars” in the pictures.

I was horrified that he was so caught up in looking perfect, he told our beautiful little girl to her to keep her mouth closed because he did not want her “imperfect” smile to ruin his “perfect family” pics taken on his iphone.  A few weeks later, as my daughter’s front teeth were coming in, he saw her smile and said, “Oh, that looks so much better.”  Ugh!

Narcissists are wretched human beings and also huge hypocrites. It is sad really, because her father has a gap toothed grin himself, and he is in his mid 40’s. If portraying a perfect image is so important to him, then he should have taken himself to the orthodontist 20 years ago and got his own teeth fixed. But no, he feels that he is the ideal of what a man should look like and cannot be honest with what he sees in the mirror. But that is just a narcissist for you.  I remember that he would make lots of comments about his 5 year old daughter from another relationship and he felt that she was “getting fat.”  I told him that he was being too hard on her and that she was a healthy weight and still growing.  I told him “don’t you dare tell a little girl that!!! You will scar her for life.”  Good thing he has alienated her from his new life and she is free from his emotional abuse now.  However, we are not so lucky.

Due to the fact that image is everything to a narcissist, they want to appear to the world as having it all together, and that includes their family.  Narcissists dress up their children like dolls, and expect them to always smile and look perfect all the time. It is exhausting!  My son says he loves that he can wear his comfy clothes like sweatpants and tee shirts when he is home with me because at his father’s, he has to dress up for everything, even going to the zoo.  His dad threatens me with throwing away the clothes I have sent with the kids because he doesn’t like the pattern on my daughter’s pants, or there is a small amount of wear on the knees. I think it is ridiculous because the kids just go to the park, who wants to send formal attire for that?

When he has the children on his visitation, my narcissist is notorious for wasting loads of time that he should be spending with the kids, texting and emailing me awful messages about the  clothes and shoes I sent.  Nothing is ever good enough.  For a day and a half visit, I send 3-4 pairs of pants, and dresses and shorts.  He wastes his time with the kids verbally battering me over nonsense.   Many instances he told me not to send certain clothes back the next time because he thinks they are ugly.  This is unfounded because I always send cute, good quality clothing from Gymboree or similar brands.

If the kids shoes ever have any kind of wear, he tells me to throw them away because he “pays me too much money” and I should be spending it on the kids. Well, my daughter’s brand new shoes look worn after just one week because she is an infamous toe-dragger. It cannot be helped.

He would even threaten me and say that he emailed pictures of the kid’s shoes to his attorney and would claim that I was neglecting the children, which couldn’t be further from the truth. If only you could see their gorgeous closets filled with wonderful wardrobes. He just needs something to hang his hat on, something to make him feel good, his narcissistic supply. Which unfortunately means that he needs to try to get a reaction out of me, so he picks at me regarding the children constantly.

What my narcissist does not understand is that I don’t care anymore. I just laugh at him when he starts on his latest tirade. I let him roll around in the muck all by himself. As if there was anything I could do to actually please him anyway? If you find that you are in similar circumstances, just shake your head and let it go.

Narcissistic fathers and their children

Narcissists are extremely jealous of their children for numerous reasons.  First, because children take their mother’s time away from focusing solely on the narcissist.  Second, narcissists have the demented belief that their offspring purely are extensions of themselves. And as soon as the children begin to demonstrate their own minds that will happen to differ with what the narcissist believes, the narcissist acts out by demeaning them and telling them that they are wrong. He will tell them that they better not think that way, or better not pursue professions that he does not approve of, etc… Interestingly, anything that the narcissist sees the children doing or saying that he does not like, he blames the mother for it.  When I left my ex, I remembered he called me with anger and told me that he should be number one, and the kids number two. Well, I beg to differ.

My narcissist ex will take away my children’s accomplishments by one upping them. When my son says, “Hi dad, I played catch today.” My ex then replies with, “Oh that is great! Daddy played catch all the time when I was your age.” And when my son says, “I had a Cub Scouts meeting today,” my ex says “Yes, Daddy was in Cub Scouts too.” There is no other response or inquiry into whatever my son says he achieved, it could be concerning school activities, sports, etc. Which is funny because the entire time I was married to him, he never once mentioned Cub Scouts or playing baseball or soccer, he told me that he only played football. I strongly believe that he never actually did those things. He is just desperately trying to get his son to see him as accomplished, when in fact, he is not. And by stealing our son’s thunder and refocusing the attention on himself, he is killing any potential meaningful relationship with our son. No one likes being one upped all the time.

My children are 7 and 10 now, and he still does baby talk to them. It is disgusting. He just doesn’t know how to effectively communicate with them. He is what I call an “over-talker.” He does not take the time to listen to them, he just keeps talking as they are trying to tell him about their day.  He acts so out of touch with reality. Even though their father rarely sees them now because he moved across the country, he still calls most every night and says the same things to the kids and proceeds to give them the latest “countdown” until they “come to daddy’s house,” as if they were getting ready to blast off into space. However, as far as I am concerned, being shuttled headlong into the vast emptiness of outer space, without vital support and meaningful communication with others, I would imagine that is exactly what a trip to daddy’s house feels like to the children based on their reports to me when they come back home.

Having a narcissist for a father is constantly frustrating for children. They don’t feel heard, they certainly do not feel understood. Children do not feel safe or free to think for themselves and are constantly seeking the narcissist’s approval in all matters. Narcissists have an emotional void in the space where empathy should reside. This lack of empathy is what makes a narcissist. That is also what makes a psychopath and sociopath, truth be told.

Related:  My blog posts on How to Save your Children from a Narcissistic Parent.  and How to go No Contact with a Narcissist when you have Children with one.