When we were together for seven years, my narcissist controlled every aspect of my life. He isolated me from my family and friends. He told me what I should be wearing, how I should be parenting the kids, etc.. He even told me how I should be thinking and feeling, and that I should be happy all the time. I had no control over my own mind or emotions because of him and his constant gas lighting. The amount of abuse is all consuming and if you don’t go through it, it is almost impossible to understand it.
My narcissist also abused me financially. He controlled the credit cards, he never put my name on the checking account, I could never get cash back if I was fortunate enough to go to the grocery store without him. He was the one who went to the store, I believe it was because he was so afraid I would meet someone and cheat, as if. He was a medical professional making more money than I could ever dream of making myself.
He frequently made statements to me, that “I am worth more alive than dead, so you better hope I live a long life.” He did not want to structure his financial plan after death that would in any way allow me to have any say in how to use the funds. We had two children together, and you would think that he would want to make sure we were taken care of if he were to die.
Instead, he made a trust, appointing his brother as trustee, who happens to ALSO be a narcissist. So, after his death, he would be effectively still be controlling me though a legal document and his own narcissist brother that I could not stand. My narcissist had numerous rental properties and made it so that I would have no ability to sell them, even if there was a natural disaster. He was so afraid that I would somehow benefit from his success and he was determined not to leave me and the children in a better off place in case of his death. Instead, he had us merely getting enough money each month off of his investments that we would be barely getting by. And that was only if all was going well in the real estate market, leaving no room for any property to be vacant, or allowing money for repairs. I had no say in any of it.
He viewed himself as an omnipotent hero, a viking warrior of some sort. And he gave me specific instructions that when he died, he would want a huge monument for his grave, which would cost at least $50,000-100,000 to complete. He instructed me that he wanted a large viking sitting on a throne for a tomb stone. He wanted it to have big horns on its head and even be phallic in nature. I thought he was joking, but in fact, he was dead serious. I once told him that I would not be able to make that happen since he was not planning on leaving me money that I had any say on how to spend.
He refused to acknowledge my concerns about the children’s and my future regarding financial security. Instead, he just focused on thinking about what HE wanted. I just kept thinking, well at this rate, he will be burying me first anyways, despite him being nine years older than me. He was depleting all of my energy, joy and health in the time I spent with him. Now looking back, I am so grateful that I don’t have to wake up to that controlling, micromanaging monster anymore. I believe that I received more money in my divorce settlement combined with child support than he ever would have left to me in case of his passing. Ironically, I got back what he was stealing from me. I reclaimed my freedom and now he has no choice but to give up some of his financial control over to me and his children. Not a bad outcome.
In looking back, this is exactly what my narcissist would be deserving of for a tombstone, a monster on his toilet throne! It even resembles him, true story!